Dearest Stump,
Thank you for your letter. I was quite satisfied with the results of the game. I do not understand why you felt it necessary to defile my azaleas but I guess that is what I should expect from someone that double fists bacon grease and Lipitor…
I really don’t understand why you continue to shop at Tony’s. I, personally, have never liked the guy. I am also leery of buying my tomatoes from a place that simultaneously sells pantyhose and skins deer under the same roof...but that is just me. I can understand wanting to support the local business and all but how do you even know you’re getting bacon and not some hunk roadkill he found smashed up on the 4-lane?
I once went in there for a gallon of milk and when I pulled it out of the cooler a hoof fell out from behind it and almost gave me a heart attack. It’s a good thing that it didn’t because if I would have died in there that bacon you’ve been eating could've been me...that Tony looks like someone that would have no problem killing you and going right back to selling lottery tickets and tylenol like nothing ever happened.
Either way, to each his own.
I hope to see you down at the Kiwanis meeting next week, we’re really gearing up for this big pancake supper next month and you know how attendance usually drops off when we start asking folks to actually do something.
Later,
Tater